I'm Fine...

Sometimes I lie to myself, and say everything is fine. If I feel like crap "I'm fine".  I feel like people are taking advantage of me, "I'm fine." I feel that I fucked up on my schooling and should have just graduated but I didn't, "I'm fine". I could basically sum up everything and just say I am FINE.

But the thing is I'm not fine. I feel like a failure for not graduating with my Class, that I grew up with. I feel stupid. I definitely proved everyone who ever said I was a failure, right. I'm the biggest waste of space in this world.

I recently found out I was cheated on at the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, with the one person, I despise  more than anything in this world. He begged me to forgive him, I did and I dropped it.  But did anyone ask me how I feel after? No.  But you know what, I'm fine.

I lost 2 family members in less than 2 month time frame, one due to natural causes and one to a tragic car accident, everyone assumed I was fine because I wasn't super close to either, but it hurt yet I'm fine.

I recently moved into a new place with said boyfriend, and some friends.  I'm their mother here. I cook, clean, and answer to them all. you know what I'm so damn fine.  doing everything for everyone else.

I put up with so much crap it hurts so much. I feel like a failure, soulless, and heartbroken. When I want to be intimate with my boyfriend and he rejects me because he's too tired, you know what I say when someone asks me what is wrong.  I'M FINE!

But you know in all honesty I'm not fine, not even a little bit. I'm tired and sad, and betrayed but does anyone in my life actually care that I am so full of sadness, and anger? No because its always easier to just say I'm fine than allow the people around you see you weak. I just want to say I'm fine and mean it for once. But I doubt that will ever happen...